Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
