I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
