If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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