I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Rumble strips road head = magical
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
