I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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