Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
