Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
