i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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