i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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