Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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