I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
