just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
