My balls are so social today.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
