Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
