I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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