New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
