Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
