You just made me feel so damn special
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
