So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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