I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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