he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
