I wanna bring you to show and tell
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
