its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
