My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
