Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I need to calm my uterus...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
