Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
