my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
false alarm, still single
Randomize
