I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
