Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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