I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
