Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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