I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
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Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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