girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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