Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
