It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
