i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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