I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
