Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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