either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
