my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
