well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
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Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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