The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The convent might be a nice break from real life
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
