So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
