he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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