Your mouth is God's brothel.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
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He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
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It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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