I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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