Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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