nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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