oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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