Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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