My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I skipped work to stalk him.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
