Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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