Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
