how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
