tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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