While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
