i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
These tits shall not be calmed
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
