Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
