she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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