I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
my penis made a compromise with my morals
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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