I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
