how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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